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I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
By the Reg Elevators Oct. 24, 2014 Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears. You arrive with your…
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University Librarian Tears into Pages
By Alexander Dunlap Oct. 24, 2014 Newly appointed University Librarian Brenda Johnson launched a spirited attack on the pages of the University’s libraries today, calling them “spineless good-for-nothings incapable of recalling instructions for…
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Apple Unveils Groundbreaking Cloud-Based Irrigation System
By Isaac Krone Oct. 24, 2014 This Thursday, tech giant Apple Inc. astonished the world by unveiling a revolutionary cloud-based system for delivering water to farmers in developing and industrialized nations. At a…
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President Obama Arrested for Climbing Main Quad Maple
By Willamina Groething Oct. 24, 2014 President Obama’s recent Chicago visit was interrupted Sunday by what White House officials are calling a “misunderstanding” with the University of Chicago Police Department. The UCPD responded…
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Goose Makes Classic “Goose” Face
By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 This morning, around 10 a.m., local accountant Irene Berger observed local goose Patrick the Goose make a particularly “goose” face. Berger recounted to The Dealer that she…
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Twin Peaks
By Isaac Krone Oct. 26, 2014 Sources close to The Dealer confirm that at approximately 10:17 p.m. Wednesday evening, Rickert House resident Ian MacPherson reached the apotheosis of his existence. Ian’s life will…
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Zimmer Reaches Into Student’s Rib Cage, Pulls Out Heart
By Daniel Moattar Oct. 26, 2014 University President Robert Zimmer was sighted Thursday indulging in an unusual snack – for the fifth time in recent memory. According to eyewitnesses, President Zimmer once again…
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Student Government Launches Invasion of Iraq
By Clay Olsen Oct. 29, 2014 The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler “Tawny Lion” Kissinger announced yesterday…
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Town of Fonts Finds Itself Sans Sheriff
By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 13, 2014 In a story first picked up by the New Roman Times, the town of Tahoma, Georgia has been sans sheriff for the last four days. Pressed to…
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Federal Judge Really Taking This One to Heart
By Daniel Moattar Nov. 13, 2014 Look, Your Honor. I’m not making excuses for what I did. I just think you’re riding me a little hard. It’s been almost a month since the…
