By Daniel Moattar Nov. 13, 2014 Look, Your Honor. I’m not making excuses for what I did. I just think you’re riding me a little hard. It’s been almost a month since the…

By Jacob Levin and Teddy Zamborsky Nov. 13, 2014 21% – Under siege by Society for Creative Anachronism 14% – Doors locked by invisible hand 16% – Dean Boyer bathing in tub of…

By A Lump of Coal Nov. 13, 2014 The hardest part of being both a first year at the University of Chicago and a sentient lump of coal would have to be adjusting…

By Pseudonym Nov. 16, 2014 Sources confirm that student Giles Froman received fellatio from his grade point average on the second floor of Max Palevksy Residential College last Friday night. Though there were…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 At a quarterly conference on seasonal fashion held Wednesday, the president of Omega Phi Pi announced that raccoons are officially “in” for winter. As a consequence, the…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…

By Evan Bernstein Nov. 16, 2014 Love Child Becomes Love Adult Sources close to Jeffrey Tanenbaum report that the twenty-five-year old graduate student has completed his transformation from a child of lust to…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 According to recent reports, area bachelor Aziz Ruffalo’s cleaning woman is currently on vacation in the People’s Republic of China. Ana Vikernes, the maid in question, is…

By Sam Buck and Hannah Flynn Nov. 16, 2014 First-year student Sandy Livingston was awestruck on meeting roommate Mindy Belindi’s father this past Thanksgiving break. Livingston claims her roommate’s father is the first…

By Alex Dunlap Nov. 16, 2014 The University of Chicago, in cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, is issuing a voluntary recall of over 25,000 college- and graduate-level educations provided between…