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President Skintaker-9000 promises an era of lower taxes, welfare reform and less skin.
By Noah Lemelson (year 2116) Jan. 22, 2014 Following a landslide re-election victory over opponent Xylox Phnltük, President Skintaker-9000 took to the podium this week for his second inaugural address. “When I first…
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Muslim Athiest Communist Fascist Runs for Student Council
By Mary Vansuch (1974) Jan. 24, 2014 HONOLULU, HAWAII—A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer, “He wasn’t even born in…
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President Shot; Lincoln, Theatre Dead
By Maximilian Rochester, Theatre Critic (April 15, 1865) Jan. 24, 2014 Americans across our great union are mourning today for the loss of a strong and noble leader who has carried us through…
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Joan of Arc Burned at Steak and Shake
By Evan Bernstein (1431) Jan. 24, 2014 And so it was that yesterday, the 30th of May, in the year of our Lord 1431, that the girl Joan of Arc was burned at…
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God Finally Finishes Book
By Gus Schiff (1200 B.C.) Jan. 24, 2014 Humanity has eagerly awaited God’s book, 50 Shades of Yahweh, since it was announced nearly 3000 years ago. But the world might not want to…
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List of Under-Appreciated Plagues
By Daniel Betancourt Jan. 24, 2014 10. The Pale Plague, 904-936 – Infecting overbore more than 80% of Europe, the sadly hereditary Pale Plague turned its victims sickeningly pasty and caused them to…
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World’s Largest Porn Collection Burns Down
By Walker King (391) Jan. 24, 2014 zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world’s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.…
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War of Polish Aggression Commences
By Walker King (1939) Jan. 24, 2014 Speaking from his home in Berlin, Adolph Hitler gave a powerful address today to the German people: they must stay united if they ever hope to…
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Exclusive: Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned: Judas Caught Kissing Jesus!
By Terry Hines (32 A.D.) Jan. 24, 2014 Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality…
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Royal Academy of Arts Vienna Lowers Admissions Standards
By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…
