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War of Polish Aggression Commences
By Walker King (1939) Jan. 24, 2014 Speaking from his home in Berlin, Adolph Hitler gave a powerful address today to the German people: they must stay united if they ever hope to…
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Exclusive: Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned: Judas Caught Kissing Jesus!
By Terry Hines (32 A.D.) Jan. 24, 2014 Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality…
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Royal Academy of Arts Vienna Lowers Admissions Standards
By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…
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Liebniz Throws Apple at Newton
By Matthew Goldenberg (1685) Jan. 25, 2014 The scientific community of Europe is in uproar this week after hearing that Gottfried Leibniz threw an apple at Isaac Newtonon this this last Tuesday. The…
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War on Drugs Considered After Diplomatic Talks Break Down
By Alexander Dunlap (1971) Jan. 25, 2014 After weeks of bilateral negotiations regarding quitting rights, rates of metabolism, and access to key neurotransmitters, Sarah Rodriguez, United States Ambassador to Drugs, announced last night…
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Gladiators Herald End of Net Neutrality
By James Ekstrom (100 BC) Jan. 26, 2014 A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net…
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Student Grapples With Difficult Plato
By Chris Deakin (340 BC) Jan. 30, 2014 BREAKING – Sources inside the Academy of Athens report that student Leon Petropoulos is currently wrestling with Plato. Petropoulos has reportedly spent all day and…
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Whales Believe the Patriarchy Should Save Itself
By Mary Vansuch Feb. 20, 2014 Whales rallied throughout the ocean yesterday in protest against recent efforts on the part of ecologically sensitive sea mammals to “Save the Patriarchy.” Protesters wondered why the…
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Nondorf Appointed Director of UCMC Patient Admissions
By Alex Dunlap Feb. 20, 2014 James G. Nondorf, the Univeristy of Chicago’s Dean of College Admissions and Financial Aid, has been appointed the first Director of Patient Admissions for the University of…
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Rogue Stressbuster Won’t Stop Giving Backrubs
By Becky Stoner Feb. 22, 2014 “At Stressbusters, we’re all about the Wind-down Wednesdays. But this kid? He’s aggressively expanded into Tranquility Tuesdays, Moderation Mondays, Stressbuster Sundays, Stressbuster Saturdays, Feet-Up Fridays, and of…
