By The Jack Hammer Working on Harper Oct. 20, 2013 TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK…

By Maya Handa Oct. 20, 2013 The fashionable peacoat you envisioned yourself wearing as you trotted from class to class in the high, pointy leather boots. The winter coat you left at home…

By James Ekstrom Oct. 27, 2013 Asteromance experts around the world agree that area asteroid 40670 has little to no chance of success in its recent romantic advances toward the planet Earth. While…

By Chris Deakin Oct. 29, 2013 Through the Ryerson Telescope (in focus) Bathroom mirror of your TA’s place In the Smart Museum, touching the Rothko In your dorm room, with the Christmas lights…

By John Abarr Oct. 29, 2013 There’s nothing like the Autumn. The leaves start changing and the air gets cooler, and we’re once again entering my favorite season. As soon as the temperature…

By Naftali Harris Nov. 9, 2013 Mathematicians around the world were devastated to learn yesterday that all mathematics is actually a special case of political theory. Professor John Mearsheimer, whose groundbreaking 1993 discoveries…

By Mark Sands Nov. 9, 2013 A massive, longitudinal study has determined that Todd Johnson, a third-year in the College, has live leads thehardest most difficult life of any University of Chicago student.…

By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 By Sammy Cahn Oh, the weather outside is frightful – but the fire is so delightful. And since we’ve no place to go, let it snow! Let…

By Jeremy Archer Nov. 9, 2013 Highlighting the lack of any sort of protection against an atomic blast, the managing board of the Atomic Bomb Defense Task Force announced today that this year’s…

By Alex Hearn Nov. 9, 2013 At this weekend’s Grain and Cereal Convention, the Monsanto Company unveiled “GM-O’s,” its flagship brand in a new line of genetically-modified breakfast cereals. “We at Monsanto are…