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I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat
By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…
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Gothic Girls Posted Outside Max P To Heighten Gothic Feel
By Mary Vansuch Oct. 17, 2013 University of Chicago’s Student Health Services have announced a new job opportunity for those in its work-study program:“Goth Girl Stationed Outside Max Palevsky,” or “GGSOMPs” for short..…
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Red Cup Washed, Reused
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 18, 2013 According to roommates, a red plastic cup has been washed and subsequently reused. The cup was reportedly first purchased in bulk for the purposes of a Saturday…
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Well-dressed hipster in your SOSC class died in 1953
By Simon Stanco Oct. 18, 2013 Officials in the University of Chicago Supernatural Care and Radio-Ectoplasmology Department (UCSCARED), after investigating numerous reports of an almost translucently pale hipster attending SOSC classes, have revealed…
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University Boasts Commendatory Environment for Child Laborers in Mansueto
By Ryan Keem Oct. 18, 2013 The Illinois Department of Labor has rated the University of Chicago’s Joe and Rika Mansueto Library a 9.1 on its Busy Little Fingers scale of youth-driven industrial…
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Rogue Admissions Officer asked to turn in badge and gun
By Walker King Oct. 18, 2013 A high profile murder investigation took another turn as controversial University of Chicago Admissions Officer Ryan Sterling was reportedly asked to turn in his badge and gun…
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The worst thing about having celiac disease is that it’s fake
By Nora Helfand Oct. 18, 2013 It’s a familiar Saturday scene: a gaggle of well-dressed college-age women out for an evening of downtown dining. Kicking back into my crimson booth seat and letting…
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Perfectly acceptable pause in conversation ruined by someone saying, “This is Awkward”
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 18, 2013 A perfectly acceptable pause in conversation was ruined last Tuesday when first-year Dwight Mulligan blurted out his singularly unnecessary catchphrase: “Well, uh… this is awkward.” It began…
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The Mandelbaum Translation Is Way Better than the Fagles
By Allen Mandelbaum Oct. 19, 2013 Translation is a dead art. No one would deny that. But it’s one thing to let a dead art stay dead, and it’s another thing to keep…
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Occidental Institute Begins Study of “Baseball”
By Jeremy Archer Oct. 20, 2013 CHICAGO – Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Occidental Institute have announced a bold new archaeological initiative to pinpoint the true nature, and ultimate social function, of…
