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Area Man “Basically” Off the Grid
By Harry Weinstein Nov. 2, 2018 Claiming that he lives independently from social media these days, 39 year-old local resident Matt Dewey said it’s been “pretty freeing to just be here, in the…
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Mother Nature Divorces Mankind, Seeks Custody of the Moon
By John Logan Buterbaugh Nov. 2, 2018 In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking…
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Bookstore Adds Hard Liquor to School Supply Section
By Oliva Reeves Nov. 2, 2018 Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection. …
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Prospective Student Taken Hostage by Cadre of Hyde Park Squirrels
By Troy Sharp Nov. 2, 2018 A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) announced that California Bay Area Resident Ben Miller was taken captive by a scurry of squirrels…
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New Doc Film Series: Dean Boyer’s Home Movies
By Kyle Oleksiuk Nov. 2, 2018 Fridays – Filmes de la Deane Since the first day he appeared on campus, a total ingénue, his mustache just budding on a downy and raisèd lip, John…
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Security Alert and Other Musings
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world…
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“So Do I Just Put It In?” First-Years Unsure How to Vote
It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can…
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Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Nov. 7, 2018 Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks…
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Every HUMA Class Ranked by How Badly You Have to Shit During it
By Christian Villanueva Nov. 11, 2018 8. Readings in World Literature How can a class make you need to poop? You don’t have to poop at all! You’re having a blast reading The…
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Clueless First Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky after Boarding Shuttle Bus
By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe Nov. 11, 2018 First-year Danny Fenton anticipated an expedited trip when he boarded the South Shuttle, but disaster struck as he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky…
