Chicago Shady Dealer

Mother Nature Divorces Mankind, Seeks Custody of the Moon

By John Logan Buterbaugh
Nov. 2, 2018

In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking announcement earlier this month. As it turns out, what we always knew would happen has actually happened.

Stuck in the middle of the two is the Moon, for whom Mother Nature seeks complete custody, claiming that Mankind hasn’t visited their son in “nearly 50 years.” A nasty custody battle seems imminent, and, according to the latest reports, the Moon has been cratered with guilt over the pair’s separation.

The last 100 years have been rough on the Mother Nature-Mankind power couple. Despite her insistence that “he could change,” Mother Nature and Mankind have been drifting further and further apart. As recently as last year, Mother Nature slammed Mankind: “He’s always out chasing his next high. Last month I caught him hot-boxing the atmosphere with carbon dioxide. It’s really putting a strain on our relationship.”

The two had previously sought to save their relationship with a weekend getaway to Paris, but Mankind cancelled at the last minute, citing the need to “make coal great again,” leaving Mother Nature to slowly decompose on the polluted banks of the Seine.

The Shady Dealer managed to catch Mother Nature as she was was leaving her beautician on Monday. Wearing sweatpants, a torn “I <3 Paris” hoodie, and sporting a “Can I speak to your manager?” haircut, she initially refused to comment, but yelled, “That cheating, lying, smoking sonuvabitch is going to get his in 20 years, I can promise you that!” to reporters as she was ushered into her Nissan Leaf.

Mankind seems unconcerned. When the Shady Dealer reached out for comment, Mankind was found vaping on his porch, cat-calling other planets. When asked about the possibility of divorce, he replied, “It’s just that time of the eon, bro. She’ll cool down soon.”

Despite Mankind’s confidence, sources close to Mother Nature say she is “really fired up” and it’s likely that the divorce proceedings will heat up soon. An associate of Mother Nature told the Shady Dealer that she is “not playing around,” and she’ll be prepared to “raise the bar a few degrees” in the coming years.