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Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don’t Have a Date
By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019 Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero…
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First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’
By Emily Feigenbaum Jan. 23, 2019 Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her…
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All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture
By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019 Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has…
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They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019 Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like…
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Introducing: Datamatch <3
By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019 Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually,…
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Karl Lagerfeld Distraught to Discover Heaven Uniform Includes Sweatpants
By Sophia Lubarr Feb. 20, 2019 Karl Lagerfeld, legendary Chanel director and force unto himself, passed away today at a very fashionable and critically acclaimed 85. A source…
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77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency
By John Buterbaugh Feb. 23, 2019 In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife…
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How To Tell Your Parents You’re a Philosophy Major Now
By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018 You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they…
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Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive
By Sam Nitkin Dec. 8, 2018 Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to…
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Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown
By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of…
