Trump Dodges Battle for House, Blames Bone Spur

By John Buterbaugh

Dec. 5, 2018

With shades of the seventies, Donald Trump managed to dodge responsibility for yet another conflict: this time, the battle for the U.S. House of Representatives. At a press conference held Saturday, the President called the midterm elections which swept Democrats into control of the House “a tremendous, Vietnam-level victory.” 

When questioned by the press about the loss of a projected 40 seats, Trump shifted blame for “any setbacks or errors” to others within his party and CNN. Trump said he hoped he could’ve been more active during the midterm election season, which he claims is “totally, 100% not my fault, believe me,” but that a “bad bone spur” sidelined him from action. 

Trump managed to dodge the battle for control of Congress, but assured the press that if he were there “it would’ve been the biggest win you’d have ever seen, trust me, even bigger than Saigon. It would’ve been tremendous.” 

Following the press conference, Mr. Trump was seen running (as best he can, at least) into the arms of an unknown shirtless man on a horse. The President’s “noble gait” seemed to be in peak form, raising doubts about his claimed bone spur. The Shady Dealer has yet to confirm or deny the validity of Mr. Trump’s injuries, but we have received word that campus health services can see him in five weeks.