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Clueless First Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky after Boarding Shuttle Bus
By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe Nov. 11, 2018 First-year Danny Fenton anticipated an expedited trip when he boarded the South Shuttle, but disaster struck as he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky…
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I’m Interested in Going, Maybe: A How-To Guide on Actually Attending the Facebook Events You Say You’re Interested In
By Audrey Fromson Nov. 11, 2018 It’s 11:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Do you know that about one million events are happening around the world and that you’ve said “interested” on Facebook to…
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Local Vegan Cooked for Thanksgiving Dinner
By Olivia Reeves Nov. 22, 2018 In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of…
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How to Pretend to be Thankful Even Though Deep Down You’re a Brat
By Audrey Fromson Nov. 22, 2018 If you’re having trouble suppressing the brat in you this Thanksgiving, you’re not alone. Read on to find out how to fake it until you make…
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Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups
By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family,…
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“Is he the one who did 9/11?” say Nation’s High Schoolers Following George H. W. Bush Memorial
By Christian Villanueva Dec. 4, 2018 On November 30, 2018, former president George H.W. Bush passed away in Houston, Texas at the age of 94. While millions across the nation mourned the death…
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How to Spend the Winter Alone: A How-To Guide on Planning a Snowball Fight for One
By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Maybe you were late to cuffing season. Or maybe you’ve been banned from participating in your friend group’s Secret Santa after spending $0.07 over the limit for Janet last…
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Kim and Kanye West Move to Hyde Park
By Sylvia Ebenbach Dec. 5, 2018 Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have already begun their move to the cold, dreary city of Chicago and have chosen an optimal location that fully embodies the weather:…
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I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti
By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker…
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Administration Finally Addresses Dental Health Stigma Through Dental Health Awareness Week
By Harry Weinstein Dec. 5, 2018 Last Thursday, Dean John Boyer unveiled a new wellness initiative: Dental Health Awareness Week. Dean Boyer said the campaign was put in place to ensure no student forgets…
