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Is UChicago’s Environment Giving You Depression or Do You Just Deserve to Die? Look Out for These Five Signs!
by Cornelius Amadeus Ginger III Oct. 26, 2018 It’s third week and, if you’re like me, you’re probably just now realizing how your limited success in high school makes you nothing but a…
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Oops! I Thought Delta Epsilon was a Frat
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018 When that cutie in my math class–Brad–asked if I was gonna do Delta Epsilon over the weekend, I got so excited that I screamed inside…
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Dairy Section at HPP in Strange Transition Between Pumpkin Spice Eggnog and Regular Eggnog
By Nico Aldape Oct. 26, 2018 Much like the weather alternating between highs of 70s and 40s each day, or my sleep schedule, the dairy section at seminal food market Hyde Park Produce…
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Dean Boyer Reads Plato’s Republic, Announces Plan to Exile All Creative Writing Majors
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 Dean Boyer, having recently read Plato’s Republic, announced that all Creative Writing majors would be exiled from University premises effective immediately. In an official statement justifying the…
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Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing. “I was sick of…
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How to Communicate with Your Parents Through Your Amazon Order History
By Audrey Fromson Oct. 27, 2018 It’s amazingly easy to forget about the people who brought us into this world. Ghosting my parents is my fatal flaw; while it makes me seem cool…
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The Shady Dealer’s Spookadelic Halloween Costume Guide
By Shady Dealer Halloween Task Force Oct. 31, 2018 Do you need a last minute creepy costume to spookify your jack-o-friends at the Halloween ghoul-bash? Don’t worry! The Shady Dealer has got you…
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Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Ingrate?
By The IOP Oct. 31, 2018 Hey you scum-sucking freedom-slut, I heard you hadn’t voted yet. Have you heard the news? This is AMERICA. People died and shit so you could take…
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Millions of Kids Dress as Migos for Halloween, None of them Takeoff
By Nico Aldape Oct. 31, 2018 Millions across the nation celebrated Halloween by dressing as Migos this Halloween, the second-most popular costume among young black children (behind the King of Wakanda). The…
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Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper
By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…
