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The Chicago Shady Dealer’s Day-After-Father’s-Day Gift Guide
By The News Desk June 18, 2018 Happy Father’s Day! Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago…
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Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court
By Zachary Spitz July 3, 2018 President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized…
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All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot
By Antonia Salisbury Aug. 7, 2018 95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if…
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Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell
By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018 At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute…
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UChicago Unveils New “Disorientation” Week
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding…
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US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here’s How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time
By David North Sept. 24, 2018 This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops…
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Wrong Dungeon! How I Tried to Join a BDSM Group, Ended Up in a D&D Group
By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything…
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New Residence Hall Located in Dean Boyer’s Tender Embrace
By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 In response to the recent housing crisis at the University, College Housing has announced that, as of the 2018-2019 school year, students may apply to live…
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Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week
By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018 Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and…
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Man Sues the Sun for $385 Million in Cancer Settlement
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 In an unprecedented legal action, Bay Area resident Thomas Harshburger filed a complaint today against none other than the Sun, the well-known star orbited by planet…
