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Heidegger Reveals Dasein Can Also Do Sick Ollies
By Heinrich Beckenbauer May 5, 2018 Freiburg, 1927 As we all know, Martin Heidegger’s monumental work Being and Time delineates and delimitates the trio of fruminous characteristics which are characteristic of his most original…
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Where Are They Now? Checking in With The Class of 1890
By Deblina Mukherjee May 5, 2018 Hyde Park, 2018 For more than 265 years, University of Chicago alumni have contributed extensively to the life of the University and to the larger society. Today,…
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Best Seller! Dean Boyer’s Book Just Sold its 100th Copy
By Daniel Lastres – Hyde Park, 2085 May 5, 2018 Roughly 70 years after it was first published, The University of Chicago: A History has sold its 100th copy and is well on…
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Chief Keef Devours Entire Chicago Rap Scene
By Robby Zissner May 25, 2018 South Side music icon Chief Keef shocked the world this Tuesday when he ate the entire Chicago rap community. Dealer sources report that the incident began when…
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TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up
By By Dumbo McGonagall May 25, 2018 In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent…
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LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech
By None May 25, 2018 I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…
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Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program…
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Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…
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Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection
By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018 The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…
