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Lanyard Fuses into First-Year’s Neck
By Chase Harrison Oct. 17, 2017 He is hard to miss on the quad. Goofy smile. Gigantic backpack. And a maroon lanyard with an attached plastic ID case bouncing off of his chest.…
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Growing Student Movement Demands University Divest from John D. Rockefeller’s Oil-Suffused Corpse
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 The previous week saw the first major demonstration by student action group, “Maroons Against Oil Corpse,”Corpse-Oil”, a new movement demanding that the university invest in renewable power…
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Campus’s Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer’s Bike
By Sarah de Vegvar Oct. 17, 2017 While UChicago lays claim to the nickname “where fun comes to die,.” it could easily and realistically reallytThe nickname should realisticallybe shortened to “where fun cums.”…
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Paul Manafort Falls for the Ol’ “Diplomatic Immunity Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick
By By Reed Thurston Oct. 17, 2017 According to our political correspondents in Washington, D.C., the ongoing federal Investigation into Russia’s 2016 election interferenceinfluence made new headway earlier this week i in the…
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Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
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ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse
By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 17, 2017 After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they…
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I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 Greetings, fellow first-years! My name is Jacob Johnson, and while you don’t remember me by name, you probably remember me as the awkward blond kid whose sweaty…
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10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: – Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you. “Settled in the valley of two…
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Six Animals the Div School Wouldn’t Allow Me to Give DMT
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer…
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Letters from the Editors
By Dan Lastres & Milena Pross Oct. 17, 2017 Dear Dan, How are you? My first few weeks of class have been good but stressful. At first I took four classes, but now…
