-
Grounds of Being Proved Logically Inconsistent
By Thomas Noriega April 21, 2017 Grounds of Being Proved Logically InconsistentBy Thomas Noriega Earlier today, students were shocked and saddened to learn thatTragic news today as Grounds of Being, the popular cash-only…
-
Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs
By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2017 8 Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairso Mona Lisa §Mona Lisa The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I…
-
“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…
-
Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin”
By Jacob Johnson April 25, 2017 Jacob Johnson Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin” In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class…
-
Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White House
By Thomas Noriega April 25, 2017 Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White HouseBy Thomas Noriega In the first major security scare of the Trump administration, Secret Service agents recently discovered a series of…
-
“You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison
By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…
-
Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment Buzzer
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment BuzzerBy Morgan Pantuck Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown…
-
Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 5 Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your CryingBy Morgan Pantuck 1. Cry during meals. CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all…
-
Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My Dad
By Ryan Fleishman May 11, 2017 Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My DadListen up, sheeple. Now that you’ve spent some time at the University of Chicago, you should be…
-
How To Stay Calm When Your Bowling Date Misses An Easy 7-10 Split
By Ryan Fleishman May 12, 2017 How To Stay Calm When Your Bowling Date Misses An Easy 7-10 SplitWe’ve all been there:. yYou‘ are on a bowling date with a seemingly nice girl…
