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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fan Mail

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By None Feb. 20, 2018 From: [email protected]Subject: Maxwell The personal adviser of my deceased client is a national of your country .I am contacting youto assist retrieve his huge deposit of US$10.5Million left…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Album Review: Justin Timberlake’s “Man of the Woods”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Feb. 20, 2018 Justin Timberlake In 1804, Lewis and Clark set forth on an incredible journey to explore the uncharted wilderness of the American Frontier. It is in the spirit…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Unveils New Patrol Zeppelin

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Feb. 20, 2018   In an effort to expand police coverage across the greater South Side, the University of Chicago Police Department has invested $12 million in a state-of-the-art patrol…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Shake Day Moved to Medici

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Moustache McMannis Feb. 20, 2018 Medici on 57th Following the decision to move Shake Day out of Einstein Bagels and into Hutchinson Commons last quarter, the University’s administration has decided to move…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Canada Geese Migrate South as Spring Approaches

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diego Matamoros Feb. 20, 2018 A Flock of Canada Geese leaving Hyde Park for the Summer Spring has arrived in Chicago, and with it the familiar scenes that mark the changing of…

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  • Sports

    Biathlon Fever! The Olympics is Adding Shooting to Every Other Sport!

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Feb. 24, 2018 Following public interest in the biathlon, an Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that all Olympic sports will…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Need a Cover Letter Template? The Shady Dealer Has You Covered

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack Toole April 20, 2018 Dear Sir or Madam: It is my wish that you gainfully employ me at your institution. My entire life has been filled with a deep and abiding…

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  • Campus Life

    Botany Pond Ducklings Served at Fourth Meal

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 4th Meal’s Latest Surprise Last Thursday’s Fourth Meal featured a very special menu item. We know what you’re thinking, but this time it wasn’t mozzarella sticks! To…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Exposed: The 55th Street Fire Station is Actually a Police Station

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross April 20, 2018 Suspicious, indeed. After a three year long investigation, the Shady Dealer has concluded that the firehouse located on 55th Street between University and Woodlawn Avenues is not…

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  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”

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