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University Completes 80-Year Burton-Judson Hyphenation Project
By Thomas Noriega March 2, 2017 In a university-first eventFor the first time in the In a university-first event, our oldest south-side dorm has been hyphenated from the ground-up. After the runaway successes…
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Message from the Editorial Board
By Nik Varley March 2, 2017 On February 24th, the Trump administration denied The New York Times, CNN, Politico and other major news outlets access to a major White House press briefing. We…
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Five Hot Tips for Students Staying in Housing on a Break
By Thomas Noriega March 7, 2017 5 Hot Tips for Students Staying in Housing on a Break By Thomas Noriega Externship fall through? Parents don’t want you at home? Your elaborate plans to…
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“Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150M Institute for Free Speech
By Sue Donim March 8, 2017 “Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150m Institute for Free Speech Jeremy Kidman CHICAGO — The University’s new Institute…
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To Counter the Influence of Old Corporate Billionaires, Let’s Elect a Bunch of Young Environmentalist Tech Billionaires
By The DNC March 9, 2017 November was an absolute shellacking. We now only have six states with both Democratic governors and state legislatures. Now that Tom Perez has won the DNC Chairmanship,…
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Discovered: Office Memos Between DOJ District Attorneys and Jeff Sessions
By Nico Aldape March 11, 2017 Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions: Why Don’t You Resign? Dear Attorney General: Let’s just get straight to the point. I don’t want to dilly-dally…
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Traffic on the Quad Grinds to a Halt as Two Students Fail to Walk Past Each Other
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Wednesday, April 10At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednesday afternoon, local UChicago first-years Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner became locked in a stunning display of over-politeness mixed with…
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Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an…
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Sasha Obama Founds Kids Next Door
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Following the end of her father’s term as President, Natashia “Sasha” Obama has decided to dedicate her time to establishing the Kids Next Door (K.N.D.). For those…
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Satire Meeting Gets Political
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Last week’s meeting of The Plantain, The University of East Florida’s satirical newspaper descended into chaos following a pitch form one of its members. Contributor Nina Belleisa…
