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Traffic on the Quad Grinds to a Halt as Two Students Fail to Walk Past Each Other
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Wednesday, April 10At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednesday afternoon, local UChicago first-years Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner became locked in a stunning display of over-politeness mixed with…
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Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an…
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Sasha Obama Founds Kids Next Door
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Following the end of her father’s term as President, Natashia “Sasha” Obama has decided to dedicate her time to establishing the Kids Next Door (K.N.D.). For those…
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Satire Meeting Gets Political
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Last week’s meeting of The Plantain, The University of East Florida’s satirical newspaper descended into chaos following a pitch form one of its members. Contributor Nina Belleisa…
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Study from Center for Practical Wisdom Asserts, “This Was a Complete Waste of Money”
By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 AA report published by the University of Chicago’s Center for Ppractical Wwisdom declares that the Center for Practical Wisdom is “a complete waste of money.” After considering…
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White House Leaks: Bannon Sends Trump to Bed, and with No Dessert
By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 An internal memo leaked to the Chicago Shady Dealer by an anonymous White Hhouse insider staffers says that President Trump was “sent to bed early for misbehaving,”…
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Markets in Disarray as Snapchat Shares Disappear After Ten Seconds
By Christopher Walker March 26, 2017 NEW YORK –This Friday, iInvestors were sent into a panic panicked on Friday when it was discovered that all purchased shares of Snap, Inc (SNAP) disappear from…
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Waffle House Replaces Saieh Hall for Economics
By Breck Radulovic March 26, 2017 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer announced the opening of Waffle House, a 24-hour diner chain, at 5757 S. University Ave. at a press conference on…
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Turning Point? Vanilla Ice Denounces Donald Trump!
By Ryan Fleishman March 27, 2017 President Trump and his administration have conducted a veritable campaign of fear across American politics over the first three months of his presidency. Many people and celebrities…
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José Quintana Invents Really Fastball
By Ryan Fleishman March 27, 2017 After an intense research and development period involving complex mathematics and squiggly speed lines, famed White Sox All-Star pitcher José Quintana has invented an entirely new baseball…
