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First Years to Skip One Year of Human Interaction with AP Credit
By Baunnee Martinez Oct. 12, 2016 After pressure from the student body for more credit from their AP examinations, the College is now offering Class of 2020 students with 5’s on certain tests…
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First Year Struggles to Hide Stolen Condoms Before Family Weekend
By Marlin Figgins Oct. 12, 2016 First –year Jameson A. Delaney, who requested to be called by his stage name “Jay D- Lane”, is now releasing his first single, which is based on…
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Four Things to Do When You’re Sexiled
By Sue Donim Oct. 13, 2016 We’ve all been there. You‘re are making your way back to your dorm after a long night of studying, only to find a sock has been sloppily…
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What Do You Mean You Didn’t Like My Indian Chief Costume?
By Dean Ellison Oct. 13, 2016 Ok, you Millennials make NO sense. After the whole kerfuffle with the letter this summer, the College Advisors told me I had to improve my approval rating…
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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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Complaint: My U-Pass is Stuck in My Vagina
By Milena Pross Oct. 13, 2016 Last year, campus was torn apart by a divisive and polarizing referendum. Critics have referred to it as “Pre-Brexit Brexit” and “The War Between the States Between…
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This Church is Loud Enough That You Can Probably Fart Without Anyone Noticing
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary’s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They…
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University Transfers to New Bone Based Meal Plan with Bone Appetite
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Students returning from their summer break were surprised to find the meal stations in their dining halls filled with various animal bones. The change prompted by the…
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Five Fun, Unique Places to Throw Up in Your Residence Hall
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 When you’re meeting people ina college, it’s important to make a splash. O-Wweek is a time to show people who you really are, and establish yourself as…
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Op-Ed: We Need to Put a Woman on the Maroon Dollar
By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 It is high time that the University of Chicago features a woman on the front of the Maroon Dollar. The University of Chicago has been a premier…
