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Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals Four of Eleven Secret Herbs & Spices
By Reed Thurston Nov. 1, 2016 Russian Cyber-Intelligence Retaliation Reveals 4 of 11 Secret Herbs & SpicesWASHINGTON, D.C.— Following the virtual attack which leaked politically sensitive information from the Democratic National Committee in…
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Local First-Year Does Awesome Borat Voice
By Reed Thurston Nov. 2, 2016 youLocal First-Year Does Awesome Borat VoiceCHICAGO, IL — In what eyewitnesses are referring to as a “masterful” and “evocative” recollection of pop culture quotation, first-year student Brian…
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Five Reasons Why Air Bud Deserved to win Bob Dylan’s Nobel Prize
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 7, 2016 4. Air Bud is a philanthropist: Sure Bob Dylan has worked with six major, international charities, but boy was Josh Framm a piece of work. I mean,…
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Introducing the New Culturally-Neutral Holiday Everyone’s Talking About: Fistmas
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year again! And that means it’s time to start thinking about gifts for the important people in your life.…
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Linguists Plead for Desexualization of “Girth”
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…
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Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 “Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.”…
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OMG Christmas and Hanukkah are going to be on the same day!
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 10, 2016 Point: I am so excited to for Hanukkah’s 1st night to be Christmas this year. The last time the two coincided was in 1959, and it won’t…
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10 Reasons to Have Sex with Everyone in Your House
By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 1. Sex 2. Networking 3. They said college was for experimenting 4. Reduced travel time between hookups 5. Everyone will know your name 6. More sex 7.…
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My Little Pony Could Beat Up Your Little Pony
By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 Yeah I said it. My Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine can kick any pony’s ass, even your little pony. Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine is a can full of sunshine… and…
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How Can I Get My Roommate to Stop Masturbating to Christmas Music?
By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 It’s beginning a lot like Christmas, all over my dorm room’s floor… Every single time I come home from a long night of studying in the Reg,…
