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Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 Sources confirmed Saturday evening that area woman Megan McMahon drove the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla bean moisturizing lip…
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Visiting Professor Revealed to Be Swarm of Locusts in Tweed Suit
By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Student’s in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed…
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Study Confirms You’d Look Really Cool Cruising Around on that Longboard
By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Recent research conducted by scientists at the University of Chicago has confirmed that you would look really cool cruising around on a longboard. The researchers, whose work…
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Move Over Fruitcake! People have a lot of questions about Soda Bread
By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 The holidays are here, and you already know that at this year’s party, somebody is going to bring that tangy tough nightmare in your mouth we all…
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Opinion: Non-Biology Students Should Get to Do Dissections Too
By Milena Pross Nov. 15, 2016 I was recently informed that many students, specifically biological science majors, are frequently given the opportunity to wear gloves and dissect hearts, brains, eyes, and other organs…
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Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group
By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…
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Nose Goes
By Cyrus Pacht Nov. 21, 2016 Wilhelm Schmendrick, who in the last local election had been appointed President of the Nose Party and had previously served two years as the Minister of Nasal…
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Op-Ed: Why is Everyone in My Family Thankful for Greg Kinnear?
By Nik Varley Nov. 25, 2016 Don’t get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving. I love getting a break from classes, eating loads of food and spending time with my old friends. However, more…
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Bruce Wayne’s Wife Annoyed All Bruce Does Is Put “Bat” Before Existing Sex Position
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 When he’s not fighting crime in Gotham City, Batman (known asby Bruce Wayne to the publicas a private citizen), loves to be with his wife in Wayne…
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Opinion: If You Eat Prosciutto, You Are No Longer a Member of the Proletariat
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 The current state of our capitalist system is dire. We need everyoneall people we can to turn back the rising tide of the neo-fascist, white supremacist bourgeoisie.…
