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Pardoned Presidential Turkey Protests for Right to Die
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 14, 2016 There’s nothing like the holiday season to remind you who your friends and family are and also to launch you into a deep, all-consuming depression. Luckily for…
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Admissions Office Announces Exciting New Diversity Initiative
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 The University of Chicago Admissions Office recently announced an exciting new diversity initiative, the Opportunity Scholarship, to help increase the diversity of rich and privileged students attending…
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Bob Avakian has best Quarter yet, Announces 5 New Series
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 Communist Revolutionary and author of the book New Communism Bob Avakian recently announced that Q3 of 2016 was his best quarter yet, bringing in a record $6.1…
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FDA Approves Fuckboy Cones
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 14, 2016 In a stunning announcement earlier this week, US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a New Technology Application for the controversial “Fuckboy Cones” patented by Merck &…
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University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 On October 27, 2016, Dean John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College, announced his administration’s exciting new bbullshit, half– thought– out changes with noout prior…
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Ho Ho Ho! Why is my House Getting Closer to the Water Every Year?
By Nico Aldape Nov. 15, 2016 Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year! I know it’s not December 25th yet, but whenever I watch TV, all I see are commercial depictions…
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UCPD Announces Plans to Float Hyde Park 200 Feet Above Rest of South Side
By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 Responding to a spate of home burglaries and street muggings, the University of Chicago Police Department announced, yesterday, a new plan to relocate Hyde Parkthe neighborhood 200ft…
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OP-ED: Fuck, You’re Writing Another Paper About Carlos Santana, Aren’t You?
By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…
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Perfect Holiday Gifts for that One Friend Who Struggles with Object Permanence
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 15, 2016 We all have that one special person in our lives who still gets a kick out of playing peek-a-boo. So this holiday season, let your object-permanence-challenged someone…
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United States Agree to Amicable Separation, Splits into Seven New Countries
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 The United States of America confirmed this week that they have separated into seven distinct sovereign nationsstates. The countriey’s‘ media representative told the Shady Dealer that the…
