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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Student’s Daily Schedule Totally Unchanged By Lockdown

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Dec. 1, 2015 After all classes and activities aton thethe entire University of Chicago‘s Hyde Park campus wereas cancelled and the campus putput on lockdown due to a terrorist threat…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Five-Star Review of Riding my Bike on the Sidewalk

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alan Rogers Dec. 31, 2015 The wind in my hair, the dewy sheen of sweat upon my forehead, the screams of pedestrians… Ah, yes. My name is Alan Rogers and I love…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Nominated for Oscar for Daily Performance of Gender

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 When the Oscar Nominees were announced on January 24th, many of the usual candidates were nominated: Leonardo di Caprio, Cate Blanchett, and Eddie Redmayne. However, one complete…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Female Philosophy Major Thought Experiments With Women

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 According to Shady Dealer reporters, at Bar Night on January 6, y 10th, third-year Lisa D’Angelo thought experimented for the first time with a woman by, as…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Which Oscar Nominees Pass the Bechdel Test? We Didn’t Check.

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 The Oscar nominations were announced on Thursday, and already and many of tthemwhichthe nominees have been praised for their unique storytelling and captivating performances by some of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student to Spend Quarter Abroad in Shondaland

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 While other UChicago students will be traveling to Paris, Beijing, and Oaxaca in the winter quarter, third-year Junior Kelsey Shippman will be immersing herself in perhaps the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Student Doing Pretty Well at Facebook

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Sources close to area student Todd Braxton confirmed today that the local teen is “doing pretty well on Facebook.” Braxton’s friend Steve Ackerman elaborated. “Things are really…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Golden Man In the Oscar Should Hold a Tinier, Golder Oscar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 1. The Golden Man Might Get Lonely! People aren’t the only ones who get lonely, you know. The Golden Man deserves a friend too. 2. The Oscar…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Son is Going to Love This Meme I Posted on his Facebook Wall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mr. Z, Ted’s Cool Dad Dec. 31, 2015 When you spend a lot of time with your kids, you start to get an idea of what makes them tick. My son Ted,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Year, Same You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Millions of people celebrated the coming of the New Year across this world this past January, and while many of them made resolutions and set goals of…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
  • Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
  • The Three Sub-Schools of UChicago
  • Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
  • Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
  • Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm/Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm

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