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8 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Without Ever Speaking Ever
By Evan Bernstein April 26, 2015 Marital problems? We’ve all been there. Some people will tell you to talk it out, but sometimes it’s best to keep your troubles to yourself and never…
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Real Man Speaks: Telling My Girlfriend To Calm Down Works Literally Every Time
By Lucas Chen April 27, 2015 Women can be very emotional. I recently read a New York Times article that claimed that women’s emotions are an asset, not a liability. But when it’s…
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Horoscopes
By Zelda April 27, 2015 Aquarium: Your soul mate was born today. Pervert. Pieces: Turn left in 0.5 miles. Your destination will be on the right. Keep an eye out for stop signs,…
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Will Punching Through The Glass Ceiling Harm My Unborn Fetus?
By Glinda April 28, 2015 Dear Glinda, I’m five months pregnant, and glowing with happiness. I’m also an associate analyst at McKinsey, and I’m so close to getting a promotion. But I’m worried–will…
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Forlorn Obama Spends Weekend Going Through Hope Chest
By Walker King May 26, 2015 A nostalgic Barack Obama reportedly spent most of the previous weekend in his personal bedroom, White House sources in the White House sources close to the Presidentinformed…
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Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie Sanders
By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie SandersBy Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorgan Chase I was speaking on the phone the other day with my good friend Hillary…
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Hookup Culture Doesn’t Exist
By Nico Aldape May 26, 2015 I keep hearing about this “hookup culture” supposedly present on campus and people complaining about being “sexiled,” but I’m honestly not convinced. No one’s been brought home…
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Restaurant Patron Haunted by What Could Have Been
By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 According to insider reports, 35-year old Gregory Sheppard, who recently dined at an Olive Garden restaurant with his girlfriend, experienced intense feelings of regret and loss when…
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An Exclusive Interview with My Least Favorite Neighbor
By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 n Exclusive Interview with my Least Favorite NeighborYou waited months and months, and The Chicago Shady Dealer finally got hold of him. I sat down with none…
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Scientists Determine You Won’t Finish This Article Because It About Science
By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 A crack team of scientists, sociologists, and journalists from the University of Chicago recently have published a report definitively showing that you won’t finish this article because…
