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Low Self-Esteem Developing Tolerance to Paltry Facebook Notifications
By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 First-year Phillip Bartecki reported Tuesday that the low-quality Facebook notifications he receives no longer lift his spirits the way they used to. “Birthday notifications from old high-school…
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The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is CNN Itself
By CNN March 1, 2015 For years, CNN has prided itself on keeping its valued viewers abreast of the latest and most serious threats to their well-being and property. Some have deemed our…
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Area Father Not Ready to Give Up on Windows XP
By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 Expressing his affection for the operating system’s utilitarian design and simplistic color scheme, local father Milton Ford told reporters that he’s sticking with Windows XP for the…
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CPD Aims to Strengthen Community Relationships with “Fuck the Police” Initiative
By Alex Dunlap March 1, 2015 The Chicago Police Department announced this week a groundbreaking initiative that aims to “rethink the way that citizens interact with their police force,” according to a statement…
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Top 5 Ways to Meet People on TransLoc
By Milena Pross March 1, 2015 In today’s world, all relationships start online. The days of meeting someone at a café and getting married later that week are over. But how does one…
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Will The Circle Be Unbroken? An Analysis of the Daytona 500
By Sam Taylor March 1, 2015 RACING. FAST. CAR BOYS. FAST. RACING. AMEN. The 2015 Cup Series rumbled to life this past weekend with the Daytona 500, as NASCAR fans around the country…
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Joe Biden Accidentally Slips Tongue into Mother’s Ear
By Sam Taylor March 1, 2015 Vice President Joe Biden was photographed last Saturday vigorously fondling his mother’s left earlobe during a private family gathering at his Washington D.C. residence. “What made it…
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Two Brothers with a Dream, a Dog, and Their Grandmother’s Secret Recipe File for Bankruptcy
By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 The people: two simple college roommate brother twins. The ingredients: a cooler of berries, a labradoodle named Chuck, and a commitment to good natural flavors. The result:…
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Obama Library to Replace South Side
By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Representatives of the Barack Obama Foundation announced Sunday that they have made their recommendation to the President, and that the President has made his decision regarding the…
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I Fundamentally Misunderstood the Concept of Airbnb: An Apology
By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 I would like to formally convey my sincerest apologies to Miss Anne Marie Wilson of Marietta, Ohio, for what I assure you was an innocent, albeit fundamental,…
