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Classifieds
By Matthew Goldenberg and Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2014 “Lab” partner wanted Looking to experiment with girls. Must have significant biology and chemistry background, advanced laboratory skills, a research portfolio, and huge ol’…
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Zimmer Wishes His Salary Were Paid In Gum
By Tyler Patterson Oct. 23, 2014 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer told reporters Thursday that while he remains “somewhat satisfied” with his compensation from the University of Chicago, he “fervently wishes” that…
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Look: Chris Christie Flashes Major Side Boob!
By Annabelle Newport Oct. 23, 2014 Chris Christie is living on the edge. The presidential hopeful and second-term Governor of New Jersey paraded into the office this morning flaunting some major side boob…
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Therapy Dogs Wracked with “Feelings of Inadequacy” upon Arrival at UChicago
By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…
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Public School Kid Discovered in Student Body
By James Newton Oct. 23, 2014 On November 30, the University of Chicago student body was finally completely purged of former public school students. Students and faculty breathed a collective sigh of relief…
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Pope Ends Flirtation with Homosexuality
By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 After a draft Vatican document calling for greater openness towards homosexuals was voted down by the Catholic synod on Saturday, several cardinals expressed relief that Pope Francis’s…
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Study Finds Most Men Would Be Gay if it Weren’t for the Penis
By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 According to joint working group of New York University neurologists and sociologists, almost 98% of men claim that they would engage in all manner of homosexual activity…
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I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
By the Reg Elevators Oct. 24, 2014 Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears. You arrive with your…
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University Librarian Tears into Pages
By Alexander Dunlap Oct. 24, 2014 Newly appointed University Librarian Brenda Johnson launched a spirited attack on the pages of the University’s libraries today, calling them “spineless good-for-nothings incapable of recalling instructions for…
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Apple Unveils Groundbreaking Cloud-Based Irrigation System
By Isaac Krone Oct. 24, 2014 This Thursday, tech giant Apple Inc. astonished the world by unveiling a revolutionary cloud-based system for delivering water to farmers in developing and industrialized nations. At a…
