By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…

By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 CHICAGO – According to sources familiar with the semantic controversy, University of Chicago first-year Jacob Brinkler has been referring to various campus buildings, outdoor sites, and even…

By Morgan Pantuck Aug. 1, 2014 LDR Break-Up Mad Libs By Morgan Pantuck Dear Sam, We need to [verb]. I know that we wanted to give long-distance a/an [adjective] shot, and that I…

By Maya Handa Aug. 1, 2014 10 things your parents have already replaced you with Maya Handa 1. A darling vase 2. A self-loading dishwasher 3. Three Christmas ornaments 4. A therapist 5.…

By Chris Deakin Aug. 4, 2014 RH’s Child Knows What You Did With Orientation Week in its second day, sources close to Resident Heads George and Patty Finch of Janotta House can confirm…

By Isaac Krone Aug. 10, 2014 After a devastating thirteen hours of sexile, Hitchcock resident Ryan Thompson was able to re-enter his beloved room—a room now deeply scarred by a bitter battle for…

By Daniel Moattar Aug. 10, 2014 “East Is Lake,” Says Fur-Clad Campus Tour Guide East is lake. Student-to-faculty ratio extremely low. One hundred percent of instructors have terminal degrees. On left is Reynolds…

By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 13, 2014 1. Moaning 2. Rattling chains 3. Levitating objects 4. Seeking vengeance from beyond the grave. 5. Reminding me of my late great-aunt. 6. Replacing the milk in…

By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 A Chicago Shady Dealer exclusive investigation has revealed that the beloved Halloween treat is neither candy nor corn. The classic late-October treat was exposed as an outright…

By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 After quite a night of drinking and thinking, smarties at parties had too much Bacardi and fell into a well of crying and sighing, not one son…