By Evan Bernstein Feb. 22, 2014 Hark, dear reader, do you know the tale? ’Twas a bright late-winter morn when the sun’s light and the day’s break arose o’er the mountain’s top and…

By Alex Dunlap Feb. 22, 2014 A group calling itself “Save the Summer Lynx” has raised concerns that changes in University policy may pose an “existential threat” to the future of the endangered…

By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 With the next presidential race only two short years away, it’s time to start seriously speculating about the outcome of the 2016 election. Prominent political analysts have…

By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago’s Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 According to sources at the University of Chicago Humor Magazine, this one kid will just not stop suggesting articles about incest. The phenomenon began in December 2013,…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 26, 2014 Engaged in a mode of locomotion which can only truly be described as “trundling,” first-year Maxwell Kagan viciously attempted to increase the speed at which he moved…

By James Ekstrom and Chris Deakin April 1, 2014 To Whom it May Concern: After nearly 10 years as a publication, it has come to our attention that the editorial board, along with…

By Alexander Dunlap April 20, 2014 Inspired by the success of the UChicago Centers in Paris, Beijing, and Delhi, the University of Chicago is in the early planning phases of a new Center…

By The Easter Bunny April 20, 2014 There will be an attack. I can’t tell you when or where, but it is going to happen. Soon. And there will be casualties. In the…