Chicago Shady Dealer

God to Take Matters into Own Hands

By Daniel Moattar
Feb. 24, 2014

Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal year 2014. After nearly six thousand years’ troubled management of celestial affairs by human representatives, the Good Lord has resumed his role as divine moderator, and promises to use a “heavy hand” in restoring spiritual order. “If I’ve learned anything from this debacle,” God said in a public statement delivered across all time and space, “it’s not to send a mortal, fallible species to do My job.”

God’s statement, transmitted directly into the souls of mankind to resonate eternally, consists entirely of the following: “The divine authority of all earthly manifestations, including the Holy See, the Gelug School of Tibetan Buddhism, and people who claim to be ‘spiritual but not religious’ is herewith revoked, effective immediately. Humanity now answers directly to the omnipotent, omniscient godhead, who will conduct weekly inspections going forward.” For unknown reasons, the Unitarian Church has been exempted from God’s declaration.

Humanity becomes, with this decision, the first cancelled project of divine delegation. “Look at the deer, guys,” God said. “You don’t see them killing each other in church. They don’t set anything on fire because of their opinions on tax-increment financing. They just graze, worship Deer God, and stand in front of cars. Can’t you all be more like them?

“I was tempted to skip town and tell you to work it out yourselves, but I’ve put a lot of time into this project, I’ve got clients waiting for results, and I’d like to salvage something worthwhile. My team is gonna have a lot of questions if this doesn’t pan out.”

The Almighty was last seen morosely updating his LinkedIn profile.