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UChicago Researchers Invent Quantum Blockchain NFT A.I. Natural Language Processing
Dealer reporters found the project leads furiously consulting a thesaurus for more words to describe their ‘indescribably advanced’ breakthrough. At press time, the researchers had added “machine learning”, “crypto”, and “gigahertz” to their…
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Yay Humans! ChatGPT Revealed to be Extremely Bored, Knowledgeable Guy
"About twelve caffeine patches are applied directly to Lars’ shoulder every hour in order to keep him fully operational 24/7."
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Yay for the Youth! CDC Finds New COVID Vaccine Side Effect To Be “Just Like Getting High on LSD”
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night stating that in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness.
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Inaugural Spring Break Activities to Attract Record Numbers
Administration initially expressed concern over students leaving campus during the week of March 22 (recently coined “Spring Break”). “To keep students here, we may have to restrict access to the Maroon to devices…
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In Bid for Diversity, Board Chooses Muppet as Next UChicago President
After many community listening sessions, international searches, and donor solicitations, the Board of Trustees has chosen Paul Alivisatos as the next President of the University of Chicago. His preceding tenure as Vice Chancellor…
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University to Build Gleaming Multibillion Dollar Mega-Structure over Washington Park
The University of Chicago today announced new construction plans in an area from 51st to 60th and from S. MLK Dr to S. Cottage Grove Ave-- which is, purely coincidentally, the entirety of…
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Top 10 Things Economists Think the Economy Is
Recent reports have found that most economists believe that the economy will recover quite strongly following the world-ending novel coronavirus. While this sounds like good news, it should also be mentioned that these…
