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Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight
First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…
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Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving
Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime.
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Op-Ed: Don’t You Know Who My Dad is?!
You reject moi from the Blue Chips?! I do your RSO a favor by gracing you with my presence, and this is how you repay me?
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Rock Salt Flavor Retrospective: Hyde Park, Winter 2020-2021
A note on methodology: in our blind testing, sampling teams tasted salts found on streets and sidewalks alike.
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OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot
When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family,…
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How to Make the Perfect Un-mashed Potatoes for Thanksgiving
Step 1: Boil a pot of salted water. When the water is brought to a boil add your 8 or 9 potatoes and let them bathe for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes…
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Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?
Hey guys, just wondering if anyone had a tip or trick I could use. Could be both (a tip and trick), but certainly not neither. I read the other day that you can…
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life
I hoped that political violence would remain a buzzword or an abstract concept, but when my chauffeur Jeeves was driving me to campus this morning, I heard a horrifying news story from the…
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Five Things You Forgot Need Spring Cleaning
The 10 day forecast might look like the man upstairs is playing tricks on us, but according to my inner senses (as informed by the Gregorian calendar), it is in fact spring. Yay.…
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Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed…
