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Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago
2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…
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UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides
In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…
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Guy at RSO Fair Uncomfortably Eager for You to Join His Club
First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…
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“Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer
“Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…
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Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon
“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.
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Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer
Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!
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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
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“Record-breaking” O-Mance Lasts an Astonishing 2 Weeks
Summers concurred, “I’ll always cherish the days I spent with Kyle – from the time we were making out and our teeth accidentally clicked against each other, to the other time we were…
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7 Things to Post on Your Insta Story to Let Your High School Friends Know You Go to Alcohol Parties Now
4- Drinking a single White Claw in the house lounge with the caption “menace hours” This isn’t like high school menace hours; this is menace hours with White Claw Hard Seltzer Surge: Natural…
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First Year Earns Respect of School by Beating Up Biggest Guy on the Quad
Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, “I’m the coolest kid in school now. I’m the big cheese,” before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug.…
