The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows

    Jacob Halabe / April 7, 2025

    Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer…

    read more
  • Politics

    Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl

    Jacob Halabe / March 18, 2025

    At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago

    Jacob Halabe / October 21, 2024

    2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides

    Jacob Halabe / October 9, 2024

    In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Guy at RSO Fair Uncomfortably Eager for You to Join His Club

    Jacob Halabe / October 6, 2024

    First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer

    Jacob Halabe / October 1, 2024

    “Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon

    Jacob Halabe / February 18, 2024

    “I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer

    Jacob Halabe / February 18, 2024

    Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count

    Jacob Halabe / February 7, 2024

    “It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Lifestyle

    “Record-breaking” O-Mance Lasts an Astonishing 2 Weeks

    Jacob Halabe / November 7, 2023

    Summers concurred, “I’ll always cherish the days I spent with Kyle – from the time we were making out and our teeth accidentally clicked against each other, to the other time we were…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
  • Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
  • UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
  • Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
  • Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
  • Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation
  • Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
  • America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
  • Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer
  • Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.