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Trump Pledges Political Foes Will Only Be “Lightly Tortured” in Second Term
“So we’re going to torture people a little, really it’s not so bad, waterboarding or cigarettes or with the electrodes, things of that nature, you have–who do you have–Sleepy Joe, remember him? Lightly…
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Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship
In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.
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First-Year’s Roommate Bears Suspiciously Striking Resemblance to D.B. Cooper
O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…
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Report: 2024-25 Not Your Year Either
“We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…
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UChicago Gifts Chilean Government With Giant Wooden Horse as Token of Friendship
This past Monday, the University of Chicago gifted the nation of Chile a token of friendship and goodwill, a giant wooden horse. The so-called “Friedman-Becker Memorial Horse of Democracy and Free Trade” will…
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Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables
UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.
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Dispelling Fears about Age, Joe Biden Kills Moose with Bare Hands
WASHINGTON– President Joe Biden has put to rest any doubts about his fitness to serve by killing a moose, with his bare hands on the White House front lawn.
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“You Should Write an Article about Bartlett Pizza,” Says My Friend Todd
The second-year Business Economics major insisted that an article on the pizza of Bartlett Dining Commons would captivate the readership of The Shady Dealer. “Dude, people would love that shit,” he explained.
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World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030
The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…
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Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout
"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…
