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World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030
The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…
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Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout
"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…
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Classmates Who Voted Kevin McCarthy “Most Likely to Succeed” Express Chagrin
In a statement published shortly after the vote, more than two hundred members of the Bakersfield High School Class of 1983 wrote that the dramatic turn of events had left them with “egg…
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France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
"I'm honestly really stoked about the whole thing," said Bordeaux resident Marie Vignot (in French). "I've always wanted to visit another country but I also hate leaving my house, so this is really…
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Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”
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Five Code Words Your Teen is Using to Talk About Bootlegging
LMAO (Let’s Make Alcohol Outside)
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Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter
It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.
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Ron Desantis Slams “Gay Ass” Rainbow Fish Book
“I think it’s disgusting that our kids are reading about a limp-wristed fish on the taxpayer’s dime,” DeSantis stated.
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Yay Humans! ChatGPT Revealed to be Extremely Bored, Knowledgeable Guy
"About twelve caffeine patches are applied directly to Lars’ shoulder every hour in order to keep him fully operational 24/7."
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Lightfoot Promises 4-Hour CTA Delays “Only Some of the Time”
CTA riders who spoke with the Dealer said the move would be life-changing. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that only half my waking hours will be spent waiting…
