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Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection
By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018 The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…
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Melville Furious Editors Changed “Crab” to “Whale” in Original Moby Dick Manuscript
By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…
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The Shady Dealer’s Must-Take Classes of Summer 2018
By Deblina Mukherjee April 20, 2018 1. Dystopia, Utopia, Australia (NELC 69300) The scope of the honors section is the same as the standard section, but it covers material at greater depth and…
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University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands
By Deblina Mukherjee Feb. 20, 2018 Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be…
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Freegan Group’s Newest Member Also the Healthiest
By Greer Baxter Jan. 19, 2018 Members of the local freegan meet-up group Impact: Zero! are starting to question the commitment of newest member Mike Fitzpatrick, who joined three months ago. Says group…
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10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: – Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you. “Settled in the valley of two…
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The UChicago Sports Cheers You Need To Know
By Chase “The Fanatic” Harrison Aug. 25, 2017 Rooooooollllll ‘Roons! Give me an A (No!) Give me an B (No!) Give me an C (No!) Ok, g. give me an C- at least!…
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First Year Excited to be Surrounded by Diverse Group of Assholes
By Morgan Pantuck, 5th Year Student Aug. 17, 2017 Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain…
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Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 5 Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your CryingBy Morgan Pantuck 1. Cry during meals. CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all…
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Beautiful! Watch What Happens When We Tell These Couples We’ll Pay Them to Have Sex on Camera
By Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 by Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury Beautiful! Watch what happens when we tell these couples we’ll pay them to have sex on camera Wow. That was…
