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Wow! First year Also From New York
Resident Head Dean Giommatti noted the convenience of this revelation. “Making friends in college can be hard, and so it’s a lot easier when you all went to high school together.”
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Conversation With Your Roommate’s Parents Extended Indefinitely
“To be honest, I haven’t really had a conversation with a stranger that lasted more than four minutes since that Home Depot employee caught me pilfering spackle in April,” Kyle told the Dealer…
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Missing: Half an Assistant
Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.
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Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?
We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?
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Grunk Invent Weapon, Nation Frighten
“I important think to enforce natural monopoly.” Grunk threaten reporter. “Give berries or Grunk hit weapon.”
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Romanian Government Ranks Safest Campus Bathrooms
Normally known for announcing the official news of their country, this surprise list has been widely distributed throughout Hyde Park.
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Man Founds City of Pompeii in Scenic Location
“We pray that Vulcan will nourish our crops with the ash and keep us safe from any pumice-related troubles.”
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Nothing Happens in Tiananmen Square
This year was a big year for nothing happening. Notably, nothing happened in Germany either, where the Berlin Wall is still standing strong.
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As Y1K Looms, Mathematicians Raise Concern About Abacus Malfunctions
As many as two goods or services are being exchanged at any given moment, taking up a majority of the abacus beads not being used to count the date.
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Sorry! We’ll Get ‘Em This Time
It’s been an arduous two hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.
