By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of ten public agencies — among them, Santa’s workshop, indefinitely halting the assembly line production of holiday presents and placing over 400,000 elves on involuntary furlough just days before Christmas.  “Trump’s vanity shutdown is absolute madness,” Santa told this reporter over milk and chocolate chip cookies at his home in the North Pole, his trademark jolly demeanor replaced by a defeated gloom that, according to Mrs. Claus, is typically reserved for the depressing days after Christmas, when the…

By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 “Y’all young, broke twenty-somethings are coming into our town and stealing the jobs from all us older broke twenty-somethings,” said District of Columbia resident Sydney Pulisic. “Fuck all of you.”  Pulisic added that she has “been here long enough that all the marble statues and museums got old, which took all of 10 days.”  Pulisic was among many citizens against the influx of University of Chicago Public Policy majors. As Washington, D.C. and New York City each prepare to enact measures specifically targeting them, tensions have run high.  “It’s like those ex-econ major cop-outs and poli sci people who don’t like theory only come to one of these two cities. It’s a…

By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world of crime management. For Hyde Park-ers without a CNetID, here’s a recent email from Erin N. to the neighborhood at large. To: Members of the University community From: Erin N. Heath, Associate Vice President of Committing Every Crime Date: November 1, 2018 What’s it like to be Momma’s favorite, Eric M.? What’s it like to cast a shadow over your younger twin brother, a little black sheep who can’t catch a break? I’m sad, Eric M., and…

By Nico Aldape Oct. 26, 2018 Much like the weather alternating between highs of 70s and 40s each day, or my sleep schedule, the dairy section at seminal food market Hyde Park Produce (HPP) is in an awkward transition period, to say the least. “Well, it’s definitely fall food season for sure,” said HPP worker Amanda Young. “Pumpkin spice stuff is everywhere, but considering the corporate Christmas season starts even before Halloween, stocking the dairy section’s been a little challenging.” Halloween season and Christmas season starting at essentially the same time makes for awkward holiday conversations. Young added that this time of the year involves explaining to customers that brown…

By Ella Hester Sept. 24, 2018   Chronic “Gym Bro” Syndrome Some experts say that exercise is an incredibly efficient stress reliever. But they weren’t conducting their studies here in The Upside Down! Some will fall into an addictive cycle of stress, lift, stress, lift, while for others it will be stress, zumba, stress, zumba, whatever rocks your frigid boat! You will make ALL the gains while furiously scrolling through Twitter on the StairMaster while avoiding your never-ending responsibilities until you resemble a walking, talking set of muscles with no head. That’ll put all the nerds around you at ease. Sympathy Zits Inevitably, you will get horrible, painful cystic acne…