We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type.

00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs   The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next time you decide to get Chick-fil-A instead of making dinner again Your parents’ remarriage to other people Plan B’s going out of business sale The ten-second window where it’s safe to eat that avocado you bought in June Your parents’ remarriage to each other, and Doug Pain locker Next time you give up your principles and decide to order dish soap from Amazon When another universally beloved celebrity dies When Doug dies That awkward call where your…

Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months. “Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College. Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment…