By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019                Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually, the Maroon did —  but things aren’t looking good at UChicago. Two-thirds of us are single. Unacceptable. And even fewer of us have more than two friends that aren’t in a study group. Barely even -ceptable.   We here at the Shady Dealer are tired of living as overworked virgins, and would rather write jokes for overworked virgins who tried. In fact, we care so much about your social and dating lives that we sold our soul and…

By Sylvia Ebenbach Dec. 5, 2018 Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have already begun their move to the cold, dreary city of Chicago and have chosen an optimal location that fully embodies the weather: the University of Chicago. They decided to trade the internalized sadness of Californians for the outward displeasure of UChicago students.  The power couple has been spotted around campus, but it’s hard to tell the difference between them and the other students because they never smile either. After Kanye dropped President Trump as his best friend (maybe long distance was too hard after all), it’s a waiting game to see which old white male he will ally with next. Dean Boyer is always a…

By Harry Weinstein Nov. 2, 2018 Claiming that he lives independently from social media these days, 39 year-old local resident Matt Dewey said it’s been “pretty freeing to just be here, in the now—and not have deal with all this stuff from a fake ‘virtual’ world.” Dewey now never changes any profile pictures and admits to spending only six hours scrolling through Facebook photos and articles a day.  Whenever relatives and friends ask him why he never updates his status or photos, which “believe me, happens all the time,” he says, he has to explain that he’s just given up that vacuous part of his life. “Like, for instance, last…

By Breck Radulovic Oct. 22, 2018   To the University of Chicago community, We at Quizlet would like to express our deepest apologies for the vile content hosted on our site in recent months. Our platform was intended to help students learn new information through fun games and useful tools, not to collect the racist, sexist, and frankly boring sexual positions of one Delta Upsilon fraternity. With an event so mind-bogglingly distasteful, it’s hard to know where to begin, but here’s a start: What the ever-loving fuck? Quizlet is not blind to the toxic realities of fraternity culture, but honestly, flashcards about sex positions? On a public quizlet? Furthermore, what’s…

By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018   Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and may go hours without a break. Yet so many students take the work of Dining Hall staff for granted. Not Richard Anderson. The first-year student from Naperville, IL, was unfailingly polite to dining staff for the duration of his Pre-Orientation program, never failing to say, “thank you,” and continued to be patient and respectful through his first dinner with a new group of housemates. Anderson’s parents told The Dealer that they were surprised by this newfound development. “He was always…

By The Editors May 25, 2018 Dearest Reader(s),     Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want to give you this opportunity to thank us for all our hard work and dedication. It has been a trying affair and we’ve sweat through many outfits, but we did it for you, our dedicated readers. We were thrilled to do it, but we feel we deserve more appreciation.     Persevering through sandstorms, power outages, and attrition of our web development team, we strived to bring you the most truthful news and filthiest scoops we could…

By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 Terra, 3708 Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge evolution as a fact, especially in regard to humans.  “I can’t accept that we evolved from those stupid hominids. They have only two tentacles! They aren’t even purple!” said Association Vanguard Ch’Turggah while violently shaking their 3 heads in unison. “I simply cannot believe that our race has any genetics in common with creatures who can’t calculate space-time equations in any of their heads.” “The Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters needs to understand that evolution exists and creates new species through promoting…

By David North April 20, 2018 Cobb Cafe Art Installation The experimental student art installation “Cobb Cafe,” located in the basement of the historic Cobb Lecture Hall (5811 S. Ellis), will close this week. The visionary art installation centered around pushing the boundaries of interactive performance art. “It allowed the subject to simultaneously experience and become part of the object,” commented third year Art History student Alexis Hursthouse. “It was a pretty immersive and remarkable experience that, while unsettling, really recontextualized the experiences of caffeine consumption and nourishment.” The gallery attendants, sometimes called “baristas,” were told to make the installation “deconstructed.” Drawing inspiration from Deleuze and Guattari, the artists created a…