The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • COVID Special Issue

    Students Collect Oral History of Frontline Workers During Pandemic

    February 19, 2021 /

    The oral history tracks the dental health and oral hygiene of a selected group of UChicago Medicine patients through weekly interviews. “I’d ask someone to report to me about their molars and we’d get an hour-long rant about the Mueller report. We should be more clear about what we mean by ‘oral history’ next time.”

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    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021

    “A Fatiguing Journey”: A Frontline Worker at UChicago Hospital Reflects

    February 19, 2021

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    344 Days of Isolation: The Dealer’s COVID Retrospective

    February 19, 2021 /

    Today, the Shady Dealer is proud to be the very first UChicago publication to release a coronavirus retrospective issue. We’d like to stress that all of the content in our retrospective is 100% original, and any resemblance — however striking — to upcoming Maroon articles is merely a coincidence. Moreover, any attempts to imitate our original reporting will be met with extensive litigation.

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    First-Year Experiences During a Quarter of Firsts

    February 19, 2021

    $100 Million and a Million Tests: How The NFL Played Throughout a Pandemic

    February 19, 2021

    “A Fatiguing Journey”: A Frontline Worker at UChicago Hospital Reflects

    February 19, 2021
  • Sports

    Angry Patriots Fans Revoke Standing Offer to Suck Tom Brady’s Dick, But We Haven’t

    February 7, 2021 /

    Several irate Patriots fans, livid after the appearance of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform at Super Bowl LV, have retracted their standing offers to perform oral sex on the quarterback at a time and place of his choosing: “If Brady comes back to Boston and thinks he’s getting anything more than hand stuff, then he’s more crazy than my ‘ma.”

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  • Politics

    CANDIDATE Wins Presidency

    November 3, 2020 /

    The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.

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    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    August 12, 2020

    Jeb Bush Suspends Campaign to Become Inflatable Man outside Car Dealership

    March 16, 2013

    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    September 16, 2018
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter: There’s Always Spring Quarter

    October 30, 2020 /

    We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type.

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    How to Write the Republic Using Your Excess Plastic Silverware

    November 23, 2020

    How Covid and the Summer’s Racial Reckoning Impacted the Way I, Your Friendly Neighborhood Econ Frat Bro, Live My Life and View the World

    February 25, 2021

    When the world needed it most, Datamatch Returns!

    February 6, 2021
  • 8=Democracy

    Fuck It, We’re Launching a Data Journalism Site

    September 28, 2020 /

    They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was logistically impossible—we were “students” with “work to get done”. They said we were just a “minor college humor magazine” and that we “didn’t even have a Wikipedia article.” How were we supposed to create the data journalism site that makes the next big splash in the world of being whatever nerds read these days? By, I don’t know, data journaling, that’s how. And we did it. We journaled that shit. And we’re here to present our findings to you. Here’s what we got so far. First step, we built a homepage for the whole project to collect all of our…

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    The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts

    January 1, 2021

    It’s Your God-Given Right to Overreact to the FiveThirtyEight Election Forecast

    September 28, 2020

    We Asked Each State’s Residents Who They Were Voting For. Here’s What They Told Us.

    September 28, 2020
  • 8=Democracy

    September 28, 2020 /

    The Shady Dealer Presents Our Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts Interactiveby R.E. Stern It’s Your God-Given Right to Overreact to the FiveThirtyEight Election Forecast Interactiveby R.E. Stern Ad The 2020 Election Explained in Three Charts Analysisby Cameron Chang Wins Presidency Newsby the Chicago Shady Dealer FiveThirtyEight Noticed Us Newsby Zakwan Khan Fuck It, We’re Launching a Data Journalism Site Newsby the Chicago Shady Dealer Ad In 2020, Which Issues are UChicago Students Most Concerned About? Analysisby Kate Kaplin We Asked Each State’s Residents Who They Were Voting For. Here’s What They Told Us. Interactiveby Ishaan Singh Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    13 Things This Ominous Timer Could Be Counting Down To

    September 20, 2020 /

    00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs   The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next time you decide to get Chick-fil-A instead of making dinner again Your parents’ remarriage to other people Plan B’s going out of business sale The ten-second window where it’s safe to eat that avocado you bought in June Your parents’ remarriage to each other, and Doug Pain locker Next time you give up your principles and decide to order dish soap from Amazon When another universally beloved celebrity dies When Doug dies That awkward call where your…

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    When the world needed it most, Datamatch Returns!

    February 6, 2021

    First-Year Accidentally Uses The Odyssey as a Travel Guide

    October 5, 2020

    UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report

    November 23, 2019
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”

    September 9, 2020 /

    Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months. “Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College. Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment…

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    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    November 14, 2019

    Survey: Math Department Unaware Gerald Ford No Longer President

    January 20, 2021

    Michael Phelps: “Therapy Helped Me Overcome My Fear of Drowning under the Weight of 23 Olympic Gold Medals”

    January 23, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Volume 16 Issue 5

    May 21, 2020 /

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    You Got Us: Here are Other Maroon Articles We Released Without People Knowing

    February 26, 2021

    Top 5 Things You Can Say in SOSC to Convince Your Professor That You Did the Readings

    October 18, 2020

    Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle

    October 6, 2019
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Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • COVID Special Issue
  • Submissions

Read It and Weep

  • In Bid for Diversity, Board Chooses Muppet as Next UChicago President
  • Conservative Students Silenced by Regenstein Library’s 4th floor
  • You Got Us: Here are Other Maroon Articles We Released Without People Knowing
  • How Covid and the Summer’s Racial Reckoning Impacted the Way I, Your Friendly Neighborhood Econ Frat Bro, Live My Life and View the World
  • Rock Salt Flavor Retrospective: Hyde Park, Winter 2020-2021
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