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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily by the need to wrap your dick in some sort of nano-material, since god knows anything else would just overwhelm it. “His dick was honestly getting lost in his XS Trojans,” your ex-girlfriend reported in a statement to the Dealer. “It was like a kid in his dad’s shoes. Or like clown shoes,” she continued, “except less cute. Also, I’m sorry for the kid analogy. I’m not a creep I promise. The point is just that it’s…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine, had to close in 2018 as it outgrew its cozy location at 53rd and Kenwood due to overwhelming popularity. Confirming months of speculation, the report highlighted how natural a fit the Hyde Park Shopping Mall location would be: “While Treasure Island will be missed, we believe that this new location will uniquely satisfy the needs of the UChicago community and Hyde Park.” The report went on to note that the 20,000 square foot basement will become an Einstein…
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Steps to Submitting an Article to the Chicago Shady Dealer: Step 1: Have an idea. Step 2: Put that idea into words, give it a catchy headline. Step 3: Fill out the neat form at the bottom of the page! Or, if you’re a luddite: Email us [email protected] with your submission in the body of the email and attached as a document. If you want to be polite, our names are Deb and Diego. More Tips: Attend a pitch/writing meeting in Harper Memorial 145 at 7pm on Sundays. It’s the best way to meet other Dealer writers, to commune with the comedic muses, and to get to know what we like to…
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Be Warned: View at Your Own Peril Volume 15 15.1 15.2 15.3 Volume 14 14.1 14.2 14.3 Class of 2022 Admissions Announcement 14.5 14.6 14.7 2018-2019 Student Government Slate 14.8 Volume 13 13.1 13.2 13.3 13.4 13.5 13.6 13.8 13.9
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