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Students Collect Oral History of Frontline Workers During Pandemic
The oral history tracks the dental health and oral hygiene of a selected group of UChicago Medicine patients through weekly interviews. “I’d ask someone to report to me about their molars and we’d get an hour-long rant about the Mueller report. We should be more clear about what we mean by ‘oral history’ next time.”
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344 Days of Isolation: The Dealer’s COVID Retrospective
Today, the Shady Dealer is proud to be the very first UChicago publication to release a coronavirus retrospective issue. We’d like to stress that all of the content in our retrospective is 100% original, and any resemblance — however striking — to upcoming Maroon articles is merely a coincidence. Moreover, any attempts to imitate our original reporting will be met with extensive litigation.
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Angry Patriots Fans Revoke Standing Offer to Suck Tom Brady’s Dick, But We Haven’t
Several irate Patriots fans, livid after the appearance of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform at Super Bowl LV, have retracted their standing offers to perform oral sex on the quarterback at a time and place of his choosing: “If Brady comes back to Boston and thinks he’s getting anything more than hand stuff, then he’s more crazy than my ‘ma.”
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CANDIDATE Wins Presidency
The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.
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Letter: There’s Always Spring Quarter
We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type.
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Fuck It, We’re Launching a Data Journalism Site
They said it couldn’t be done. They said it was logistically impossible—we were “students” with “work to get done”. They said we were just a “minor college humor magazine” and that we “didn’t even have a Wikipedia article.” How were we supposed to create the data journalism site that makes the next big splash in the world of being whatever nerds read these days? By, I don’t know, data journaling, that’s how. And we did it. We journaled that shit. And we’re here to present our findings to you. Here’s what we got so far. First step, we built a homepage for the whole project to collect all of our…
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8=Democracy
The Shady Dealer Presents Our Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts Interactiveby R.E. Stern It’s Your God-Given Right to Overreact to the FiveThirtyEight Election Forecast Interactiveby R.E. Stern Ad The 2020 Election Explained in Three Charts Analysisby Cameron Chang Wins Presidency Newsby the Chicago Shady Dealer FiveThirtyEight Noticed Us Newsby Zakwan Khan Fuck It, We’re Launching a Data Journalism Site Newsby the Chicago Shady Dealer Ad In 2020, Which Issues are UChicago Students Most Concerned About? Analysisby Kate Kaplin We Asked Each State’s Residents Who They Were Voting For. Here’s What They Told Us. Interactiveby Ishaan Singh Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65…
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13 Things This Ominous Timer Could Be Counting Down To
00 : 00 : 00 : 00 days hrs mins secs The election (if you thought it was on Nov. 3, you’re wrong, get to voting, dumbass) Your parents’ divorce The next time you decide to get Chick-fil-A instead of making dinner again Your parents’ remarriage to other people Plan B’s going out of business sale The ten-second window where it’s safe to eat that avocado you bought in June Your parents’ remarriage to each other, and Doug Pain locker Next time you give up your principles and decide to order dish soap from Amazon When another universally beloved celebrity dies When Doug dies That awkward call where your…
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UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
Hyde Park — In the hyper-competitive culture of the University, students are quickly finding ways to cheat on COVID tests. Rumors say that UChicago’s Greek life organizations have stockpiled copies of old tests going back months. “Everyone knows that the frats are best at COVID,” said a first-year student who asked not to be identified by name. A representative from the admissions office confirmed that they have fielded waves of calls from students from the class of 2024 wondering if the COVID tests they took in high school were transferable to credits in the College. Last week, third year Econ Major Stew Dent took to Canvas to express his disappointment…
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Volume 16 Issue 5