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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
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Trace Amounts of Water Found in Chicago River
By Daniel Moattar Oct. 20, 2012 CHICAGO, I.L. — Researchers at Northwestern University’s Department of Planetary Sciences announced the discovery of water in the Chicago River, confirming results of two years of battery…
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Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans
By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 Terra, 3708 Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge…
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Future Campus Architecture Plans Revealed
By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 Undisclosed members of the Maroon Key Society leaked Monday the administration’s future architecture plans to replace all dorms with ivory towers. The correlation between the new…
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MIT Scientists Unsure What You Did in Chem Lab
By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, a panel of MIT’s top scientists confirmed today that…
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Girl Wearing Gladiator Sandals Loses Fight to Death
By Maya Handa May 28, 2013 First-year Amelia McDonald lost her left leg, both hands, and then her head this morning after participating in her first munera—a gladiator-style fight to the death—on Eckhart…
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The White on White Crimes You Need to Know
By Deb Mukerjee Jan. 29, 2018 Losing your friends in the snow Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets.…
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Area Student Fantasizes About Mean Course Evaluation
By Morgan Pantuck May 30, 2016 According to those familiar with the situation, area student Margaret Ennis has been experiencing a highly erotic fantasy wherein she writes a mean course evaluation for her…
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Oh God, Oh No, A Train!
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 PARIS 1986 – A review of the Lumière brothers’ The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station Oh God oh Jesus oh no oh God everybody…
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Sex Advice by Ron
By Ron Feb. 4, 2013 Dear Ron Jon the Romantic, What is a Kegel? Does it hurt? Sin-cerely, Mystery Manwoman Dear MM, A kegel is when you squeeze your butt really hard and…
