Apply for the Royal Internship
Do you descend from royalty? Does your stomach tingle every time you look at a crown? Does the throne call your name? Does it say, “C’mon….c’mon, sit on me, c’monnnnnnn”?
If any of the above fits you, apply for the Royal Internship by sending [email protected] a cover letter, an official transcript, and a video of you playing pool (we accept cue and/or swimming; bonus points if both simultaneously).
Requirements:
- Must have a 21+ ID; alcoholic beverages WILL be served
- Must be able to sing selections from at least three different operettas with perfect pitch
- Must have three years’ experience hunting pheasants
- Must be able to dress well; no tattered jeans, no sneakers, ABSOLUTELY NO clip-on earrings
- Must be at least 33% inbred
- Must own at least five taxidermied beasts
- Must have pierced ears and brand-name jewelry
- Must feel visceral disgust upon contact with a poor person
- Must be ready at any moment to launch into a furious tirade about Robespierre
- Must speak French or at least make convincing French-sounding noises
- Must be able to handle potentially mind-altering substances without police detection
- Must not have experience with manual labor
We look forward to reading your application!
Andrea Zhou — a self-proclaimed hot chocolate fanatic — is co-editor-in-chief. She has written and edited a number of articles for The Shady Dealer, and aspires to finish college with over a hundred articles under her name.
