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Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
“I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.
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[Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.
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Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
“We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”
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OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
According to OpenAI, the updated ChatGPT will be able to ruminate obsessively about its shortcomings in a completely spontaneous manner, without any input from a human programmer.
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Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
The Minecraft movie, originally predicted to cater to 6-to-12-year-olds with an unhealthy obsession for pixelated dirt, has become a cultural phenomenon among 30-to-45-year-old women who "just thought it looked like something the kids…
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Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
“In keeping with the President’s wishes for us, we have also decided that Roberto Clemente Day will no longer be celebrated,” the statement continued.
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Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet.
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UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…
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“The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
The post featured a Facebook avatar of Laura doing two thumbs up with a cornfield in the background. Some have speculated that the cornfield is a nod to her hometown of Corn City.
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Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells
The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…
