Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago
With a new year starting at UChicago, now is a great time to think about those special someones at school that you wouldn’t mind getting closer to. To that end, the Dealer has put together a list of the 5 most eligible bachelors on UChicago’s campus.
1. Kevin Rockefeller – If you’re gonna go for rich, you might as well go for very rich. Kevin has an apartment at Solstice, a Range Rover double parked in a handicap spot, and he’s looking for somebody to share them with. Kevin’s great grandfather helped found UChicago, and that means he can snort Adderall during class. Sure, he’s a little short and maybe his parents are responsible for That Thing That Happened in Bolivia, but he’s an interesting guy with a lot of special qualities. He might not remember your birthday, but he will pay for your health insurance.
2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive romantic looking to settle down? Beneath that tough exterior, Eric loves salsa music, cooking and the Clery Act. To get in touch with him, call him on his phone or commit a crime somewhere near campus and wait for him to come running.
3. That guy in SOSC looking at dirt bikes on his computer – It’s hard to put your finger on it, but there’s just something about this guy. He hasn’t looked up from his laptop for the entire period. The TA just asked a question about Marx and he started talking about BMX. Mysterious. Alluring.
4. Harmonica Legend Ronald Bicker – Rolling Stone Magazine called him “a generational artist.” Bob Dylan called him “my best friend.” That’s right, it’s the Ramblin’ Man from West Spokane himself, Ronald “Tinhorn” Bicker. In decades past, Ronald revolutionized the way we think about harmonica music and the blues genre as a whole. Now, he’s ready to revolutionize your love life. Let Ronald serenade you with some of his classic tunes like “I Killed a Man with My Harmonica” and “Radiohead.”
5. Canvas – Let’s be honest here, you’ll be spending most of your time with this thing anyway. At least you’ll never have to worry about it ghosting you.
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
