“Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer
First year Aaron Gibson made waves this past week when he informed his housemates that he had, in fact, consumed alcohol in high school.
The declaration, which came as Gibson struggled to open the tab on a can of Budweiser Lite, provoked a flurry of excited speculation in the Rustandy house lounge.
“Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing when you drink a lot. I know, because it happened to me.” At this point in the conversation, Gibson began jabbing the can of beer with his dorm room key, in an apparent attempt to shotgun it.
Some, however, cast doubt on Gibson’s claims about his past. “I’ve known Aaron for a long time,” said Roy Martindale, who had attended the same New York private high school as Gibson. “I never saw Aaron drink even once, not ever. One time I saw him eat glue and then have an allergic reaction…so I guess there’s that.”
When asked what drinking feels like, Gibson stated that it “makes your mouth really sticky, gums up your throat, and sticks to your hands and clothes.”
By press time, Gibson had reportedly snuck into Jimmy’s and ordered “one glass of alcohol” from the bartender.
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
