Reg to Be Painted Yellow in Honor of Corn

REGENSTEIN LIBRARY– UChicago has launched a plan to paint the Mansueto Library yellow “in honor of corn.” The building makeover was announced at a press conference in Bartlett Dining Commons. 

The event was meant to have many speakers, but only CEGU Professor Bill Ding turned up to deliver his address. Dr. Ding spoke directly to all seven attendees. With a mouth full of cream corn, Dr. Ding mumbled phrases like “increases sustainability” and “makes me a happy, happy boy” before collapsing in a stupor on the Alper House table. 

The plan will require 36 painters, 5 months, 4 million dollars, and will make the weird glass library from Divergent look like a seasonal vegetable. UChicago has recently faced many public accusations of mishandling finances. But as Interim VP & CFO Brett Padget told the Dealer, “Fuck it – when quarantine ends, corn-en-tine begins!”

University President Paul Alivasatos agreed with Padget’s positive outlook on the project: “The corn speaks to me. It shows me things. Beautiful things. Terrible things. But the corn is not a kind nor forgiving God. The corn demands sacrifice. The corn demands tribute. The corn demands blood. The corn makes me —” At this point in the interview, President Alivastos fell into a convulsing fit of religious ecstasy, and could not be made to continue the conversation.

Correction: The Dealer Previously stated that the plan would only take 5 months and 4 million dollars. However, the project is now set back 4 more months and 4 million dollars after the painters apparently believed they were painting “Cobb Hall” yellow. In an official statement, UChicago defended the confusion stating, “You can’t rush art.”