“Mountain” of Scratch Offs Found Under University Administration Offices

FINANCIAL SERVICES—Hundreds of thousands of scratch-off tickets were discovered under the University of Chicago’s financial offices on Friday. Bystanders gaped in awe as the building cartoonishly shot up off its foundations with a mass of scratch-off tickets spewing out of the remaining hole like a geyser. What remained was a Scrooge-McDuckian landscape of lottery tickets, all scraped clean to reveal their losing numbers. The discovery has dire implications for the University’s finances.

To find out what this could possibly mean, we arranged a video call with Robert Solis, financial analyst and University of Chicago alum. “They’re doing a good job of diversifying their assets. In one of the pictures of the lottery tickets, I saw some winter-themed tickets, some powerball scratchers, and even some of those monopoly ones with the “100X” in huge letters. Clearly they know how to play.”

He continued, “They took out some loans a couple decades back, but the interest rate screwed them over. I think they recognized that after that patch of bad luck they were due for a win.”

The lottery tickets seem to be the latest attempt by the University to get rich quick.

“Starting from when the University bought a large chunk of Hyde Park in the hopes that it would do what Greenwich Village did with NYU, they never stopped these wacky little schemes. Maybe I should try to phish them,” said Solis. “And obviously, the ones we saw were just the losers. Everyone knows most of them win you money, so who knows how much they actually bought.”