UChicago Introduces 4:30 AM Final Exams, Citing Cost-Saving

CHICAGO – Following rising electricity prices and the cost of maintaining campus dorms, Dean John Boyer announces that finals week would have to be shortened by three days so residents could move out earlier and the dorms could sit empty for longer. A follow-up announcement clarified that students would be expected to move out within one hour of their last final to avoid a $5000 fine and a one-point deduction to their GPA. 

Exams will now be proctored by Alliance Security Guards, who will either be playing games playing games on their phone, talking loudly into their airpods, listening to music, or absent. As always, Academic Integrity Violations will not be tolerated, but will not be prosecuted either.

University President Paul Alivisatos shared that when he went to UChicago, he took all of his finals in a 30-minute period, and that current undergraduates should “stop being snowflakes” and “just get an Adderall prescription already”. USG is currently in negotiations with Student Wellness to begin dispensing amphetamines free of charge to those on U-SHIP.