Why Unions Are Bad Actually (Not Sponsored by University of Chicago)

As a completely independent publication, not sponsored by the University of Chicago, the Dealer has decided to publish an unbiased article detailing the arguments for and against graduate student unionization efforts

Against Unionization

Unions are the only group which can negotiate for you: if you’re represented by a union, you’ll only have negotiating power as a collective rather than a super cool, maverick, lone wolf individual bargainer. The union might also require you to pay fees of around $500 – while the University of Chicago has never asked anyone to pay money for anything in its entire history! 

But unions aren’t just trying to take your money, they’re also trying to take your soul! In fact, unions are actually secretly conducting dark rituals to bleed you of your life force in order to summon the Archdemon Baphomet. Unions (and Baphomet!) were also responsible for multiple crises in American history, such as the Great Depression, the assassination of JFK., and the British. 

Remember, there’s no “i” in uneonyzateon! And again, this article is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with the University of Chicago.

For Unionization

Many Graduate Students support unionization for a multitude of reasons, including *REDACTED IN COPY*, *REDACTED IN COPY*, and *REDACTED IN COPY*. Unionization has –DELETED FOR CLARITY–.  In other schools, *COULD NOT REACH FOR COMMENT*. So if you vote  –CANNOT PUBLISH DUE TO PREVIOUS NDA AGREEMENT– and *REDACTED IN COPY*.  

At the end of the day, the University is deeply committed to protecting its graduate students from the additional costs, bureaucracy, and unimaginable horrors from the depths of hell that come with unionization.