Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving
- The Facebook gambit
Ask her if she’s seen anything interesting online recently. She only knows one website, “the Facebooks,” and boy does she want to tell you about it! Whether it’s conspiracy theories about the statues at the local garden, Hunter Biden’s laptop, or her pastor’s thoughts on the latest Minions movie, she’s sure to bring something up that’ll bring out the stupid in her.
- Talk constantly about how the turkey she lovingly made was once alive
Did she know that a turkey is a kind of bird? You bet she didn’t. Birds are living animals — prove your point by catching a wild pigeon with your bare hands and letting it loose in the dining room. Bonus points if it poops in the casserole.
- Bring up your aunt’s divorce
Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime. Put her in her place by lambasting her failures — after all, if she’d set a better example as a parent, then maybe Aunt Sylvia’s marriage wouldn’t have imploded.
- Write about her sins in a satire magazine and throw it in her face
Remind her of the time she slightly undercooked the chicken wings and gave you food poisoning for two weeks, how she has given you cheap Star Wars themed socks for the last five birthdays, and her extra-marital affair. Make sure to also make ominous threats to her wellbeing.
- Tell her you’ve decided not to have children
If at any point during the dinner you start to feel like your grandma has been insufficiently owned, pull the ultimate ace out of your sleeve and declare your intention to end the family bloodline. “I have decided to chop down our family tree,” you can announce, “No great-grandkids for you! How do you like me now, Ellen?” Hey, if she wanted great-grandkids, she should’ve had more children herself! Dumbass.
- Put a jack-in-the-box in the mac and cheese
When she digs into it to give out portions to all of your relatives, the clown will arise from the pasta. Laugh as she falls down in shock and rejoice in the sounds of her heart attack.
