UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year in The College, has been sprinting across the campus for over a week in hopes of avoiding the election entirely. 

The origins of this activity are accidental. Jorgensen explained, “I started this initially as a joke. I would either see a poster in the quad or one of my friends would mention the campaigns and I would pretend to bolt.” However, Jorgensen started taking an earnest approach after college council students began to follow him in order to get his vote. Jorgensen explained, “College Council candidates are like an overly eager parent chaperoning your elementary school field trip. The more you try to pretend they are not there, the more they will attempt to make forced small talk with you and your friends.”

This has been both a physical and mental challenge for Jorgensen. In a close call, Jorgensen had to submerge himself in Botany Pond to avoid a relentless first year dressed in a sports coat explain ‘bipartisanship.’ Additionally, he has had to put extra locks on his doors after a series of multiple break-ins. Candidates tried to bust down his door to place stickers and printed out Instagram infographics under his pillow. When asked for comment, Matthew Haverford, one of the candidates who broke into his room stated, “Every vote counts, and I am doing my civic duty by getting that bastard Simon to get that through his fucking head.”

Jorgensen said he has no plans to stop running until this election ends. He still is undecided at this time on whether to pursue legal action against the students who trespassed, but is currently looking into pressing charges against writer and director Aaron Sorkin for creating the “West Wing to Poli-Sci pipeline.”