Frat Cites Disparities in Alcohol Access as Reason to Become Hazing-Optional

In an effort to boost the diversity of their first-year applicant pool, newly established fraternity Delta Iota Kappa has become hazing-optional. The choice comes amid a wave of other fraternities forego hazing requirements in light of disparities in alcohol access among pledges.

Chapter President Juan Tis Moclout sat down with The Dealer to explain the policy. “We decided that it wouldn’t be fair for us to hold disadvantaged students to the same standard as their privileged counterparts. Who are we to say that Jim Swaggart, a fresh faced recruit who grew up in a small Baptist town with two strict cousins – I mean parents – and no access to beer, won’t one day be ripping fat hits off a gravity bong with the boys on the quad?”

When asked whether the new policy had anything to do with moving his frat up the US Dudes & Freshman Girls Report ranking, Moclout vehemently denied any correlation.

“It’s got nothing to do with rankings or clout, really,” said Moclout. “We’re totally not desperate to gain members cause we’re a new frat with zero name recognition.”

At this point in the interview, a drunk pledge stumbled into the room. “I’m getting kinda hungry,” he yelled at Moclout. “Why don’t you run to CVS and get me some Sour Punch Straws and a bag of Baked Lays?”

Moclout turned red in the face and cleared his throat. “How dare you s-speak to me…” he started, but trailed off as he noticed the pledge was getting angry. 

“We had a deal! I show up to the parties for half an hour a week and you do as I say!”

“Alright, alright,” said Moclout. Turning to the Dealer reporter, he whispered, “I assure you this isn’t the typical dynamic we have with our pledges. He’s just got some anger issues.”

Immediately after he finished, another pledge entered the room. “Gimme some of those Lays too, and a jar of Newman’s Own medium salsa on the side!” he yelled. “You know what, make it mild, cause my stomach doesn’t agree with spicy stuff.”

Moclout sighed and nodded his head. “Do you guys prefer Original or Barbeque?” he asked. As the pledges made up their minds, he signaled to the Dealer that the interview was over.

Since implementing the hazing-optional application policy, Delta Iota’s acceptance rate has seen a steep decline from 90 percent (Frank Fingerstein, one of the ten winter recruits, had a weirdly titular habit of fingering himself when drunk, and so even Delta Iota had to let him go) to 69 percent, bringing them from last place to second to last* in the U.S. Dudes and Freshmen Girls Report rankings.

*The current last place frat, Digamma Digamma, has a one person membership, and its president’s initials serve as the name. Parties there are “sketchy to downright terrifying,” according to a recent survey of community members.