A lot of people have this romantic image of a horse’s life. Well, I can tell you it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Want to know why? Rainbows don’t exist and unicorns are uppity jerks. Also, you humans suck! First and foremost, humans treat us as though we have underdeveloped palates. Hay this, hay that. Maybe I want some spaghetti, ever considered that? Okay, right now I want some hay, but that’s just because I was just talking about hay! When apples are concerned, we can easily discern between the varieties people feed us, and we judge the fate of those people according to their choices. If you give us…

UChicago has made great steps toward shedding its “where fun goes to die” reputation. So why is it that I still can’t find anything exciting to do on Wednesday nights? I know what you’re thinking: “plenty of fun happens, especially on Wednesday nights. If you can’t find something, it’s probably because you have no social life.” If that is the case, reader, then I regret to inform you that I do indeed have a friend. Her name is Jessica, and she’s my RA. Shame on you for asking. The problem is that on Wednesday nights, Jessica and my other acquaintances seem to disappear. Nobody is left on campus to study…

Another announcement from across the midway: an assembly of people near the area have reported the appearance of an anomalous activity. Although not acclaimed for his singing ability, our Area Man assumed that he could make do by articulating his adjectives, adverbs, and appositives, as well as by accentuating his physical beauty. Unfortunately, he had no awareness of his attractiveness (which was average) and had incorrectly augmented his appearance in his arithmetic for what would count as an acceptable performance. Amazingly, only a few amateur opera singers have ever attempted such an accomplishment, so his goal was to have the audience feel the antonym of animosity around him. Accordingly, the…

As election season heats up, thousands of college students are flocking to Iowa to take their political condescension from Twitter replies to Iowa pig farmers – which is to say, to a whole new level. The nation-wide escalation hasn’t escaped UChicago students’ notice, and accordingly, a significant contingent piled into their daddy’s jeeps and luxury SUVs to canvas for their chosen Socialist this past weekend. A bystander described the scene on Friday evening as the “largest exodus of white folks from Hyde Park since the Eisenhower administration.” Their destination? The rural Iowa town of Mid ElAmerica, where the weekend canvassers have plans to “economically develop” the “unfortunately backwards” town into…