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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Disappointed to Discover Jewel Purchase Does Not Include Mango Pods

    Sam Nitkin / January 30, 2020

    January 29, 2020. In a clerical error, the University of Chicago has purchased the property of 61st and Cottage Grove, current home to Jewel-Osco. The deal, costing the University $20 Million, appears at…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Michael Phelps: “Therapy Helped Me Overcome My Fear of Drowning under the Weight of 23 Olympic Gold Medals”

    Michael Phelps / January 23, 2020

    You probably all know me as Michael Phelps, the American swimmer who happens to be the most prolific champion in Olympic history.   But what you might not know is that for years,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump Signs Executive Order Making “Gangnam Style” the Official National Anthem

    Kate Kaplin / January 19, 2020

    Get ready to gallop into the New Year because President Trump has found a way to make all sports games from now until forever a lot more exciting and culturally relevant.  Say goodbye…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Let’s Face It: God is not a Good Writer

    Efe Dogruoz / January 19, 2020

    God peaked with his renowned Genesis. But is the hype worth it?   Ever since it was first published in 950 BC, Genesis has been a reader favorite, taking its place on a top shelf in every…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns

    Anonymous / January 18, 2020

    Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lonely First Year, Desperate for Pet, Grows Mold

    Kate Kaplin / January 17, 2020

    Everyone should know by this point in the year that the only pets allowed in dorms are the RH’s dogs and kids. Kevin Garcia, however, discovered the loophole of all loopholes. He spilled…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Reaffirms Stance on Campus Regulations

    Chicago Shady Dealer / January 13, 2020

    Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list…

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Read It and Weep

  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

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